Been thinking

A lot has gone on in the past year, for so long I was saying how I wanted to be a published Author. Now I am and I realize the sky is the limit. I cannot let anyone stop me which means not only do I have to battle the world but I have to fight the battle within.

For most of my life I have tried to be perfect, ( yes I know and I failed every damn time) perfect daughter, perfect wife and mother. The one thing I forgot in all those times was how to be the perfect ME. I was somehow forgotten along the way.

I put my own wants and needs aside for the good of everyone else. Things I wanted I didn’t get, i simply settled. If I wanted to do something and someone else wanted something else I felt obligated to do what they choose.

I hated that about myself but I didn’t have the strength to say no. My mental state was fragile at best, years of emotional abuse took a toll on me.  I didn’t even have the strength to face my abusers. Yes I know physical abuse takes a mental toll as well as physical but with the mental abuse the scars never really fade.

It is possible to look at someone and say “Yes I have been abused” especially if the scars show. How can you see emotional abuse if the scars never show? It is also hard for the one being abused to see how it is not their fault.

For me the thoughts were “If you were better then maybe  you would be enough” it never struck me that “I was enough” It has been an up hill battle for me.

Now that I am published, part of me says “it’s time to stop, you reached that goal and that should be enough for you” while another part of me says “No, keep going. You got this” its a real battle when you are so used to settling it becomes second nature to you.

For once in my life I am not going to settle. I am tired of being a doormat for others to wipe their feet on.  I am good enough, if people cannot see this about me it is their fault not mine.

I have overcome so much to get where I am. I live with the thought of suicide in the back of my mind on a daily basis, voices screaming at me telling me “how I will never measure up”  my own mind wanting me to give up.  The suicide is the hardest part, it is as if my own brain is saying how I will never get where I want to be and so I should just do the world a favor and  leave while I can.

Imagine living in a world where its a constant fight, you cannot imagine the pain I am, I admit there are days when I almost give in to the voices after all they get so loud sometimes its hard to block them out.    I cannot imagine the pain those who finally give in to the voices have to endure.

I am going to continue moving forward, for those who think they can get in my way just be warned. I am done taking a back seat, I will not take “No” for an answer anymore.

This is MY time to shine, Don’t try to turn off my light because YOU are not allowed to. I have a voice and a story to tell if you cannot accept me for who I am becoming you can go to hell.

 

Advertisements